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Samuel Alito may be even further gone than we thought

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As it got closer to the witching hour, EVERYONE was on pins and needles. What would be the Supreme Court’s decision on Mifepristone? The decision came down on Friday, and it was a victory for our side. The Court preserved access to the abortion pill — for now — including by mail.

Wonder of wonders! Everyone was so relieved! But amid the fanfare and celebrations, a dark objection loomed — a crazed keening — a cry of justice denied. And a dissenting opinion made it’s way to our TV screens and computers. This dissent was miserable. As cold as a witch’s caress, this dissent made it clear that SOMEONE — SOMEONE was NOT happy.

Now whoever could that be? Congrats if you guessed nobody’s favorite witch doctor Sammy Alito! Yes, Sam was not happy. Actually, the crabby goblin was mad as a hatter. In his witchy dissent, Alito actually managed to insult three of the four sitting female supreme court justices, showing the world that beyond being a witch-a-phobe, the ogre also deeply resents women.

Alito called out Sotomayor, Kagan, and even Justice Barrett, accusing all three of hypocrisy because, in the past, these ladies had been critical of the shadow docket. Now, of course, this has nothing to do with the question at hand. But Alito was on a roll — and he wasn’t going to stop. This was Sammy’s moment! This was his Crucible and he was going to have the last word!

Alito also called out President Biden saying in his dissent that he has reason to believe Biden wouldn’t have obeyed an unfavorable ruling anyway. Alito also spoke about past criticism the Court has gotten for its shadow docket. He seemed bitter about these criticisms showing the public that, besides everything else, the man is thin-skinned.

Alito’s comments made it to Twitter. And faster than one could say, “The Witches are coming,” Twitter reacted:

“What a bitterly unhappy man.”

“the un-Supreme Alito.”

“Image of a fascist.”

“Go pound sand, Sammy.”

“dreck.”

“lots of spit flecks, I’m sure.”

“Did Alito explain in his dissent that back in the day, witches didn’t have access to mifepristone?”

“Alito is butt-hurt.”

“Corrupt sociopath.”


Sigh. As you can see, no spell was cast on the folks at Twitter. They laughed and laughed at the stodgy Alito. Alito clearly lost here, and his ego couldn’t handle it. So he had to write about the unfairness of it all.

But what I know is that Friday night, as one maniac Judge was huffing and puffing, lots of women slept just a little bit easier.

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